Lumberjack
by Artemis Day
Summary: Light makes a startling confession.


**A/N: Never watch Monty Python while trying to come up with fanfiction ideas.**

**

"Light Yagami, you are Kira." Near said with finality.

Light's eye twitched, a hateful glare marring his handsome features. Mikami, he knew, was probably cowering out of sight, waiting for his God's next move. As Light stared into the hard faces before him, he knew it was over. There was only one thing left to do:

Confess.

"That's right," He whispered loudly with his head down, "I am Kira."

Near inwardly smirked with satisfaction.

"BUT!" Light suddenly screamed dramatically, quickly raising his hand into the air and making everyone (including Near and Mikami) jump, "I didn't always want to be!"

Everyone stared at him, unsure of where this was going.

"Erm…" Near started to say.

"I didn't always want to be God of the New World." Light continued loudly, "Killing criminals! Ending lives with just the stroke of a pen! No… I wanted to be-" He paused for dramatic effect.

"…a LUMBERJACK!!"

Near blinked, "What?"

"Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia." Light contined to rant as if nothing had been said while removing his jacket, tie and shirt to reveal a red flannel shirt underneath. "The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine!"

As Light kept shouting, the SPK, Task Force Members, Mikami, and Ryuk all assembled behind him and music started playing in the background. Throughout this, Light went on:

"The smell of fresh cut timber! The crash of mighty trees! With my best girl by my side!"

As if on cue, Misa ran up the threw her arms around Light,

"And we'd sing, sing, sing…

_I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.  
__I sleep all night and I work all day."  
_Light sang happily.

"_He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.  
__He sleeps all night and he works all day."  
_The SPK and Task Force members sang back.

Light:  
_I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.  
__I go to the lava-toryyyyyy.  
__On Wednesdays I go shoppin'  
__And have buttered scones for tea.  
_  
SPK/Task Force:  
_He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.  
__He goes to the lava-toryyyyy.  
__On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'  
__And has buttered scones for tea.  
__He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.  
__He sleeps all night and he works all day.  
_  
"Uhhhhh…" Near said.

Light:  
_I cut down trees. I skip and jump.  
__I like to press wild flowers.  
__I put on women's clothing  
__And hang around in bars.  
_  
Misa's smile faltered.

SPK/Taskforce:  
_He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.  
__He likes to press wild flowers.  
__He puts on women's clothing  
__And hangs around in bars?!  
_  
The Chorus looked around at each other in confusion but quickly regained formation:

_He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.  
__He sleeps all night and he works all day.  
_

Light:  
_I cut down trees. I wear high heels,  
__Suspendies, and a bra.  
__I wish I'd been a girlie,  
__Just like my dear Papa.  
_  
Not once did Light notice Misa burst into tears and sob loudly at this.

SPK/Taskforce:  
_He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,  
__Suspendies, _and a bra?!

The SPK and Task Force stopped singing and, completely disgusted, began hurling verbal abuse at the confused Light while Misa slapped him hard across the face.

"And I thought you were so bloodthirsty!!" She screamed while reaching for her Death Note.

Forty seconds later, Light Yagami died of a heart attack.

THE END.

**  
**Epilogue:**

**Artemis Day was busy wrapping Christmas Presents and working on her fanfics when there came an angry knock at the door.**

**"Come in!" She called.**

**Seconds later, a clearly pissed off Light Yagami entered the room.**

**"Hey Light!" Artemis greeted him cheerfully, "How's it going?"**

**"Well," Light began, "I want to complain about this Lumberjack story you just wrote. It made me look like a complete idiot! And I'll have you know, I have several friends who are lumberjacks and only a few of them are transvestites."**

**Artemis pursed her lips, "Okay, first of all, anyone who thinks they can make eating potato chips dramatic is, in my opinion, a HUGE idiot. And second…I didn't know you were friends with transvestites."**

**Light's eyes widened, "WHAT?! N-no, that's not- not what I meant I-I-"**

**"What do you mean?" Artemis interrupted him, "Do you not like transvestites? Are you some kind of homophobe?"**

**"NO!" Light screamed, becoming more and more mixed up, "I-I just-"**

**"Because I hate homophobes!" Artemis said, standing up to face him.**

**"I- I didn't mean-"**

**"DIE HOMOPHOBE!!" Artemis shouted. Then she pulled a lever conveniently placed right next to her which caused Light to fall through the trapdoor he'd been standing into the sea below.**

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" He screamed all the way down.**

**Back with Artemis, she stood satisfied with her work while L wondered over.**

**"Was that really necessary?" He asked.**

**"Absolutely!" Artemis answered firmly, "Besides, I figured I had to end this story quick. It's getting very silly."**

**"Right!" Called out Graham Chapman as he entered the room in his colonel suit, "This fanfic definitely has gotten too silly. Off with you now, go on. Nothing left to see here! Be sure to leave a review on your way out! Go on now."**


End file.
